Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Beware of the Condiments

Occasionally, in the name of saving money, I make a trip to Sam's Club. Lifting the oversized boxes of Tide, large packages of chicken breasts, and giant jars of pickles is certainly a hassle, but on many items, we save a handful of dollars, so it's worth the effort. Among the items I regularly purchase at this discount dreamland are condiments. Two extra large bottles of Heinz 57 cost quite a bit less than even one medium-sized counterpart at the local grocery store. However, such thriftiness can come at a price.

About a month ago, after eating a lunch of fast food burgers my husband had brought home, he took our Goliath ketchup bottle back to the kitchen to return it to the refrigerator. Somehow, he dropped it. Such large plastic condiment containers may look invincible, but let me assure you that they are actually fragile creatures. Upon hitting the ceramic tile floor, the sides of the bottle collapsed, perhaps as a consequence of its sheer weight and size. After discussing in some unpleasant terms our assessment of the situation, we laughed it off and mopped up the sugary red goo that had splattered, if not to the ends of the earth, at least to the ends of our kitchen. Even our miniature dachshund did what he could to help clean up the accident.

Yesterday someone hit a repeat button. We couldn't have replicated the events so perfectly if we'd been performing a physics research experiment. As a result of the Heinz crash of September 6, 2005, condiments of enormous size will no longer be purchased by this household. I advise that you heed my warning before yielding to the temptation of a 4-month supply of ketchup in one bottle. I'm sure Kroger grocery stores will be happy to hear of my purchasing change.

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