Take Me to Your Leader

I try very hard not to read the newspaper or watch the news too much. I don't advocate ignorance. But I do advocate joyfulness, and I find it difficult to be joyful when being fed such depressing news stories. I watch the headlines that appear on the main page when I log on to my e-mail account, and when I see something on which I'd like more details, one mouse click reveals the full story.

Now news from Hollywood...ugh. I try not to subject myself to it, but I find that I, like many Americans, am drawn to celebrities' goings-on, despite my attempts to ignore such drivel. Why should I care whom Paris Hilton is dating now that she broke up with Paris? (That sentence would sound so stupid to someone not up on pop culture.) So, earlier this week (or was it last week?), I sheepishly clicked to get the full scoop on Demi's and Ashton's alleged nuptials. I clicked to watch the clip reporting Brad and Jennifer's putting their $26 million (think that's right) mansion on the market. But last night I saw a headline that repulsed me and sent shivers down my spine such that I was reminded of all the news stories about which I have no desire to know. The story? Katie is pregnant.

I have definite opinions, like many Americans, about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. I long for the days of a decade and a half ago when a photo of Tom was posted in my teenage bedroom. As Tom and Nicole's marriage fell apart and I watched with the world as Tom toted other women around as if he were doing them a favor (the whole Cruise/Cruz thing was so stupid; do you think it was for publicity only?), my faith in Tom's cuteness began to crumble. What a turd. I hate that word by the way, but if the shoe fits....As for Katie, I wish she'd remained the cute girl on Dawson's Creek. I didn't watch the show regularly, but I always liked her. Now...what a fruit loop.

The Church of Scientology is not an area of expertise for me, nor will it ever be. I do not have a hermetic argument prepared to defend my opinions. But let me offer a few reasons why I think Tom and Katie's baby will emerge and shock the world (well, those who haven't seen the signs that this was coming), as it will not be a human baby, but rather will be seafoam green, have one eyeball in the center of its strangely large head a la the Halloween critters Target stores are marketing (talk about scary...I want Casper!), and have ears reminiscent of Shrek.

1) Tom and Mimi Rogers' marriage did not produce children.

2) Tom and Nicole did not procreate. Their two children were adopted.

3) Katie has been required to accompany Tom to numerous events and has always been escorted by "chaperones," who often answer questions for her.

Tom and his cohorts have been searching for an appropriate victim to house and birth the spawn of their kind. Mimi and Nicole did not fit the bill. (Side note: I really like Keith Urban, so Nicole, you'd better be good to him. And good for you, for keeping company with someone who seems to have some spiritual ideas that make sense.)

I do not own a "Free Katie" t-shirt, but when that alien pops out of poor, brainwashed Katie in a few months, I may be inclined to say I told you so.

In other Hollywood news, Us Weekly has reported that Nick and Jessica have really broken up. For the love of all that is good in this world, I wish that story would die whether we know if it's true or we have to live in ignorance forever.

Acknowledgement: Thanks to my hubby for the title of this piece. Say it out loud in a nasal, robotic voice. It'll be fun!